03/21/2006
You asked the following:

Maybe you could give me just some of the story of your having the second baby, and the kind of things you went through.  Also, what caused your first babys prematurity if you don't mind me asking.

Of course I don’t mind you asking! Have you seen how long my emails usually are!?! Please feel free to ask me anything.

Let’s see…maybe I should start here:

The cause of my first child’s premature delivery is unofficially ‘unknown’. Although my placenta was examined post delivery and I showed signs of an infection (what type of infection was unidentified) and also pulling away of the placenta. One of the questions they had for me was which one came first. Did the infection cause the pulling away of the placenta or did the placenta pulling away from the wall of my uterus cause an infection. Also, because my daughter’s delivery was so ‘spontaneous’ (45 minutes from uncomfortable labor pains to delivery) they considered that I might have an incompetent cervix. The other consideration for an incompetent cervix I believe was also because I delivered so early (meaning still within the range of consideration for IC). After a certain gestation they rule out incompetent cervix and attribute premature delivery more towards labor-related issues.  From a personal experience, I had no signs of any sort of infection and I’ve never been predisposed to UTIs, Yeast infections, etc… Although, I understand that pregnancy can contribute to having more of that sort of infection, plus there are also other symptom-less infections I could have had. In retrospect, I did note pain in the nether regions a few weeks earlier and I have wondered if perhaps Brooke arriving at 26.5 weeks was more miraculous than I understood…meaning perhaps it had been possible for her to arrive even earlier than she did. But, I will never know the answer to that. I also wondered if I was a candidate for gestational diabetes (I was never tested in my first pregnancy) because she was large for her gestation at birth (2lbs6 3/4oz at 26.5wks)  and also developed cardiomyopathy after her birth which has some relationship to Gestational diabetes, because when she was diagnosed they asked me if I had gestational diabetes. Also, after my daughter’s birth I discovered that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which among other things can contribute to hormones being out of whack and infertility – which made me wonder about it’s relationship to premature delivery (fyi: both kids were conceived ‘naturally’ and within a year)  The bottom line: the cause of my premature delivery is ‘unknown’.   Reassuring, huh!

As for some of the story with my second one…well, I went through a lot things and I went through a lot of different stages. The first was, “I always wanted a lot more children, but I could never go through this again. I could never put another child through this again”. I was guilt ridden, miserable, paralyzed, freaked out, etc… for much of the first year of my daughters life. I spent much of that time trying to convince myself I wasn’t responsible for her early delivery, but I am a stubborn person and beat up on myself pretty hard until it finally sank in that I would never have chosen her early delivery and that if it happened due to my ignorance...I supposed I could forgive myself for that – in time and if I didn’t repeat the same mistake again. Which is why the decision to have a second child was a difficult decision for me.  

The actual rationale for deciding is difficult to put into words and personal almost to the point of sacred. Do you know what I mean? And so it is I think with anyone who contemplates another child after a premature delivery or maybe after knowledge they carry a genetic disability or whatever. Just understanding that you might be starting something that could end ‘badly’ is frightening. And of course you are haunted with the “what if it turns out worse than it did?” Also, do I have the energy and emotions to handle whatever may come?  Etc…

Frightened as I was, I felt strongly after much contemplation and prayer that I should attempt to have another child. It wasn’t that I arrived at a place of peace and then proceeded…I was profoundly afraid of the countless worse case scenarios I had conjured up in my imagination but felt strongly (somewhat peaceful in my conviction, I guess) that I should proceed with the attempt to get pregnant. I got pregnant. Before I forget, I should also point out that I visited with my OBGYN to review my case and also with a Perinatalogist who both gave me the “go ahead” and the “odds are in your favor” comments.  If a doctor, had given me a direct we don’t recommend you get pregnant again, I don’t know what I would have done. However, it also didn’t contribute any level of comfort that I wouldn’t deliver early again because the odds were in my favor the first time around for not having premature labor. 

Anyway…this is getting long (of course) so maybe I should jump to the medical stuff:

In the end, it was a relatively uneventful pregnancy, medically speaking. I was monitored closely by my OBGYN with assurances that if anything started to develop they would transfer my care to the Perinatalogist. I was monitored for cervical changes but I had none. My cervix stayed long until later in the pregnancy (normal pregnancy behavior). I never showed signs of any infections. (No UTI, yeast, BV) I was negative for gestational diabetes. My blood pressure was within normal range. My second baby was weighing in large again and I swelled terribly all over my body and had a small amount of protein in my urine towards the end of the pregnancy. Also, I believe I started contracting with increased activity early on (24 -25 wks), so I eliminated those activities and layed low and I really believe that helped carry my pregnancy along. I was never on bedrest…but did very little (outside of taking care of my toddler and home – which I did from the couch as much as possible).

Emotionally, it was quite the journey. The PPPG (pregnancy after a preemie list) was a godsend. Sharing the experience with others who understood, was so important and helpful. I LIVED for reaching milestones: 24wks; my delivery gestation: 26.5wks, the gestation at which I has always wished I could have held on until: 28wks, 30wks, 32wks, 34wks, 36wks, and of course: the “magical” 37 wks. My son was born at 38wks. Remember the concern they had about possible IC due to Brooke’s spontaneous birth? It turns out I just “Eject” babies because my 8lb8oz son came exploding out of my body 1.5hours after labor began! That glorious full term experience gave me 19 stitches! ;-) 

Probably way more information than you were expecting. J  If I got pregnant again (not really in the plans), I would be high risk all over again. Having had a full term delivery would add a measure of comfort…but I would be frightened all the way through all over again because who’s to say it wouldn’t / couldn’t happen again…

Ugh. Life!  That was more or less my experience. In retrospect, it was of course all worth it…but right now I don’t think I could go through it all again. I am amazed at those who can and do.