|
Overcoming a sense of loss...with gratitude |
|
|
|
|
Written by Lauren Snyder
|
|
Tuesday, 08 November 2005 |
Hi New Mama,
Thanks for writing in! I am the mother of a little girl born at 26wks5days.
I remember that exact emotion all too well. It's like I'd never noticed so
many 3rd trimester women in my life! I can remember looking at them and then
feeling overwhelmed with sadness and I would look down. I distinctly
remember looking down. Maybe it was shame? I don't know. I was wanting to
acknowledge what I was feeling and felt terrible about my jealousy and
emotions at the same time. I felt like no one could possibly understand. It
just wasn't fair. What had they done that they deserved their third
trimester? Then I would mumble, no I don't mean that...I wouldn't wish this
on anyone.
Unfortunately that's just way it goes (or went). I thought I would share
just a couple of thoughts with you - that over time changed my feelings of
loss to feelings of gratitude.
One thought I want to share was that my cousin and I were both pregnant at
the same time and due one week or less apart. When I had my daughter
"spontaneously" I really struggled with the issue of "fairness" that my
daughter had been born early and was suffering and struggling to survive
(and that I was being emotionally torn apart) and that my cousin was still
gloriously pregnant. Again, I wouldn't wish what I was going through on
her...but it just wasn't fair. I was having a hard time understanding why
and coming to terms with everything. My daughter struggled months in the
hospital, almost dying, but a couple weeks after she was home from the
hospital, my grandmother had called to say that my cousin lost her baby in
utero around her due date. My cousin later told me that he was "fully formed
and perfect - just beautiful". I was stunned yet again. Wow. Now THAT wasn't
fair. She didn't deserve that to happen. She had a beautiful, full term
child. I weighed it against my own experience and suddenly I was praying for
her and becoming grateful that my daughter had come early -- it was another
lesson that things really could have been worse.
The first lesson that things could have been worse occurred to me slowly as
I was sulking over my daughter's open bed. When we first arrived in the
NICU our nurse explained that all the preemies share the same area (the
NICU) but to protect the privacy of the children and parents, they attempt
to not share information with others. So I kept to myself as I looked over
my daughter (who by the way, I didn't get to hold for six weeks - which is
as long or longer than some of the younger gestation I got to know later).
Over time, I began to learn the histories of the children around us, and
eventually met their parents. Slowly, I began to learn of terrible
struggles. Some of which, we didn't suffer. There was a baby at the end of
the "line" of beds that was being med evacuated for another surgery on her
eyes because she was blind, the boy on the other side of us had one lung
collapsed, etc... Sometimes it was more than I could take...but over the
long haul it really helped me to get out of my own despair when I realized
it really could have been worse, we weren't the only ones, and that there
might be mothers out there struggling more than myself on that particular
day. Of course there were days I was sure that I had hit bottom and many of
the mothers in the NICU agreed and had their moment of gratitude towards
their own children.
So there are some thoughts to mull around. It's a since of loss to loose
your last trimester (or more in your case). It doesn't feel natural and
brings on so much stress, anxiety and confusion. I have always felt it was
extremely unfair (I must have issues with fairness) that you give a woman
one of her most traumatic experiences in life and give it to her post
partum. Pardon my French, but it SUCKS. I also thought it unfair that I was
forced to make major medical decisions without any medical background. I
often thought it was too much. But I got through it. My daughter is
beautiful and charming (and a screamer and a handful) but just today in
preschool the other Moms were telling me yet again how smart she is, as they
listened to her count numbers that the other kids had quit counting. ;-)
One of the things that helped me through the preemie experience was to get
hope from children that I saw as doing well that were once as premature or
earlier. It seemed that once I had my daughter, these kids came out of
everywhere! There were two in particular who gave me much hope one was just
a bit older gestation than my daughter - but he was a teenager already and
doing great. The other was in my husband's gymnastics class and had been
born at 23wks 5 days. She was beautiful and doing gymnastics - I had no idea
she had been born so early. Her mother had even told me before I had my
daughter that she had come early and was her miracle child, but again I had
no idea and couldn't comprehend the miracle she was indeed.
The other thing that helped TREMENDOUSLY were the friendships I made in the
NICU with the other moms. Some mothers were more open than others, but the
ones willing to share their experiences blessed my life the most. I was in a
unique experience in that I was allowed to live at the local Ronald McDonald
house were there were about five other preemie families living there at the
same time. We would come home at night and laugh and cry and feel guilty all
together. It was so nice. The topic of missing our pregnancies came up a
lot. But you don't have to live with the families to get to know them well.
You'll see many in the NICU, cafeteria, Ronald McDonalds rooms at the
hospital, or ask the Nurses to introduce you. I also would run outside when
the nurses would tell me that a former NICU preemie was visiting to say hi.
I didn't know most of them, but they brought me so much hope.
Congratulations on being a mom! Missing your last trimester is incredibly
common and normal. I'm sorry you didn't get to experience it, as miserable
as it is!! (I had a full term pregnancy after my preemie - and suffered
miserably through it). I also remember thinking during my first pregnancy
how I was desperate to not get stretch marks...which I didn't. My second
pregnancy I went around telling everyone how desperate I was to get stretch
marks...which I did. They are yucky, but they represent a third trimester
badge of honor. It's only something a mother of premature child can
understand, from having lost her third trimester.
Sorry so long. I hope I was able to send you a message of understanding and
hope.
Sincerely,
Lauren
Mom to Brooke (born 26.5 wks now 2 1/2) and Brandon (born 38wks now 6.5
months)
|
