Hi [Preemie-l Member],

I've sure been glad to see all these posts on bonding. It has made me feel
much better and was reminding me of the early days my daughter and I spent
together.

My daughter was one that got deathly ill shortly after birth and as a result
I didn't hold her until she was 6wks old. After that she was still sensitive
and unlike the statistics, didn't respond well after a bit to the stress of
being held (she crashed and alarmed several times while being held), so I
opted to not hold her as much as I would have liked, although the nurses
would have let me. It was just a feeling I had to not do it. (Although, it
could have simply been fear on my part). I tried hard to bond with my
daughter in all the ways I could: I took her temperature, changed her
diapers, and I hung out by her bedside all day, every day.

Eventually, I started to stroke her hair at the bottom of her head (the only
place I could touch her sick body) and sing to her. I remember being so
frustrated because there was no response from her to my efforts to bond with
her, and often my bonding attempts seemed to stress her out. However, I did
have one sweet experience with the singing on a day when my daughter was
being inconsolable. The nurse and I tried everything to make her
comfortable. Finally, I said to her, "Are you going to make me sing right
here in front of the nurse?"  I started singing and she calmed immediately.
It was so successful that the nurse offered to continue singing for me when
I had to leave. She was in tears. ;-)

Eventually as she got older (around 33/34wks gest) I started to hold her for
feedings and she was tolerating it quite well if I didn't move much. I did
notice that everytime "Dad" showed up, she would open her eyes. I don't know
how she knew, but she did. It was sweet to see, but made me feel a bit
frustrated because I was MOM and I didn't see such responses from her.

When we came home, my family visited when Brooke was about 41wks gest. My
sister-in-law was holding Brooke and told me that she kept trying to follow
my voice with her head. I was shocked! I had never noticed such a response
from her that indicated she knew or desired me.

Several months later, I felt more bonded with her, but noticed that she
wasn't smiling and deemed her to be a very serious baby. I was very
concerned about what her seriousness indicated...was it autism? It was about
that time I realized that I had become a very serious mommy! It occurred to
me that I could be smiling at my husband, but quit smiling when I turned to
look at the baby because I was often freaked out trying to assess if she was
still breathing, or some other thing that was somehow "wrong". I made a
conscious effort to smile at her (often faking it, because in my heart I was
still freaked out) and she started smiling.

Now that she is even older (almost a year; 9 mos adjusted) I can see just
how much she reads my face. She mimmicks my facial expressions down to the
eyebrows! And of course I'm lapping up something she started doing several
weeks ago: Reaching for me and choosing me over Daddy. Wahoo! (Although
Daddy is more "fun" to her.) I don't need to be her favorite, I had just
really been needing to feel special as her Mommy.

I guess what I am saying is that although, I couldn't see it in her
expressions - my daughter Brooke had been bonded to me from the beginning
and was bonding with me all along. I had moments where I was able to see a
response (the singing, following my voice with her head), but mostly she was
none responsive in an obvious way to me. Just have faith that everything you
are doing to bond is working. Even the feelings you get about what to do and
what not to do is bonding. It will show up as "proof" later.

I loved reading about Sheila's daughter. I hope that's how my daughter is!
That would mean a lot to me. One of the things that has really helped me
bond to my daughter in a way that felt more normal and less "medicinal" was
to sleep with her. At first, we slept together for her, eventually it was
for me! I loved to listen to her unlabored breathing, look at her peaceful
face and smell her. It helped bring some peace back to my shattered heart.
I'm hoping she feels the same. ;-)

Lauren
Mom to Brooke (ex 26.5wkr; now 1 yr actual (on 3-16); 9 mos adjusted!)